Okay so this Tuesday I woke up feeling blah. You know how Tuesdays are? Like Monday’s ugly cousin. Grabbed my phone while still in bed and checked my horoscope app cause I’m a Taurus and hey, maybe the stars had some advice.
Saw the headline screaming “VOGUE TAURUS TIPS FOR A BETTER TUESDAY”. Figured why not, let’s try this cosmic guidance thing step-by-step. Here’s how my day went down:
Step 1: The “Slow Start” Nonsense
The horoscope said Taurus should “resist rushing”. Fine. I sat in bed scrolling TikTok for 20 extra minutes instead of making coffee. Felt guilty but weirdly relaxed. My cat Judi stared at me like I’d betrayed morning routines.
Step 2: Money Magic Trick
The tip said “review finances”. Opened my bank app while eating toast. Saw that $12.99 streaming charge I’d forgotten about. Cancelled it immediately. Felt like a financial genius for two whole minutes.
Step 3: The Green Juice Experiment
Vogue horoscope insisted Tauruses need “earth energy”. Drank a kale smoothie that tasted like lawn clippings. Texted my sister: “If I die from green juice, delete my search history.” She replied with eggplant emojis.
Step 4: Social Courage Bullshit
The stars demanded I “reach out to old connections”. Sent “remember me?” to my college roommate Mark. He responded: “Who’s this?” and sent a photo of his pet lizard. Cosmic fail.
Final Step: Sensory Overload
Horoscope promised “indulge your senses”. Bought an overpriced candle that smells like “rainforest bamboo”. Lit it while watching Netflix. Cat sneezed directly into the flame. Now my apartment smells like burned cat snot and fake nature.
Did Tuesday improve? Well…
- Found $12.99 in my budget ✅
- Didn’t die from kale (yet) ✅
- Reunited with Mark’s lizard ✅
- Created new horrific candle scent ❌
Stars gave me a C+ Tuesday. Would horoscope again, but maybe skip the kale.
